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From The Wine Barrel

If God lived in a wine barrel, whose barrel do you suppose he would choose? Of course, the type of wine in the barrel, its region of origin and God’s personal palate would certainly dictate in whose wine barrel he should live. I’m sure that choosing would be quite difficult, considering all the great wines our state produces. Can you imagine having to taste every wine in our state? And if you only had a short time, oh, say, three months to make up your mind, the hang over, the weight gain and the possibility of a DUI certainly would cause you to genuflect humbly at any vineyard along our wine trail.

So, for the sake of this article and my desire to be published, I’m sure God would only choose a Santa Barbara County wine. Any arguments? Of course not. How God would choose is not that simple and would require a focused, experienced palate, clear sinuses to appreciate all of the nuances of a particular wine, prescience of what he plans to eat with the wine and — definitely — a reliable limousine service.

His decision also might be based on the type of wine barrel in which the wine was stored. A few choices are French, American or Hungarian barrels. But after drinking barrels of wine over the years, I’m sure God would choose a wine from any barrel that infused it with some butter, toasty caramel, fruit, vanilla, spice and maybe a little tobacco. The list is long, but I can’t imagine God choosing any wine with an earthy flavor, as he is omnipresent and would certainly not want to be earthbound.

Considering the enormity of this undertaking, God definitely would start at Star Lane Vineyard, knowing he’d be closer to home. Star Lane’s 2005 cabernet sauvignon French wine barrels would be exactly the barrel in which God would immerse himself to get to nirvana. Oops! Better make that heaven. God certainly would know how to luxuriate in wine staves marinated in a wine of dense fruit, vapors of cassis, cream, loam and the rewards of a moderately hot tannic finish. This wine surely will improve with age, thereby making God all the happier and a little pink from blushing, because he got lost in one of their wine caves, searching for Star Lane’s other 2005 cabernet, Astral.

Moving along the trail and snacking on those host-like crackers we eat to clear our palate, God would have to be first in line to sink into one of Foxen’s French barrels of cabernet franc, now considered a cult wine by those of us who rarely get a taste, let alone actually see an empty bottle. It wouldn’t matter which year he chose. It’s the victory one feels when discussing this wine’s wonderful cigar greeting, and its luscious blueberry and smoky chipotle nuances with your neighbors who you wish would invite you over for dinner more often. Can I lick that bottle’s spout? I’ve often considered absconding with a few of my neighbor’s bottles, but I know God would scorch my diasticutis with a lightning bolt. And how did my neighbor get a case of Foxen’s cab franc anyway?

Alas, if God chose a white wine barrel to live in, it would have to be a barrel saturated in the golden sunshine of a buttery, smooth, full bodied chardonnay with a hint of lightly spiced tropical fruit. Do I need to say more? The winery options are many, but I would send him first to LaFond. After buying, consuming and sharing many cases of Lafond’s chardonnay, God would not disagree that Lafond’s 2006 Santa Rita Hills chardonnay is an opulent nectar of the gods. But he’d probably say that about chardonnays from such wineries as Au Bon Climat, Qupe, Firestone, Longoria, and a multitude of other wineries in our county. That is, of course, if God actually did want to live in a wine barrel. To find such luxuries, let your fingers do the walking. Hey, is that Dionysus hitchhiking along Highway 154?

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